Lately, I’ve been processing a lot of thoughts and emotions. (Last week's Pisces New Moon energy, Mercury retro in Pisces, Uranus stationing in Taurus ......and a whole lotta sky action reallllllllly allowing me to deep dive below the surface layers. Like WHOA. Fucking WHOA!) Trying to filter through all I am feeling, trying to “hold space” for others while feeling my way through shit, trying to to understand the complexity of it all, and then trying to see it from a stripped down version as well. Floating between analyzing and feeling my way through it. This is just a messy rambling of my jumbled thoughts as I try to put words to paper and help to move these emotions around. A healing process in motion.....
I am this beautiful, complex (and sometimes a mess) merge of Soulfulness and Humanness. My soulful side sees the “bigger picture” of everything.....this deep understanding that can only be felt and no words will ever do it justice........my humanness feels deeply and tries to understand it on a mental level as I feel such deep, vast emotions running through my entire being. (Yeah, yeah......drop into the heart, Nichol. I hear you. Loud and clear. I am tapped in. I feel it. Maybe that’s why it’s been hard lately. The deep, complex feelings of these emotions......fucking rough)
These emotions are ones of feeling, seeing, and processing collective sadness.....and the sadness of those around me who are hurting right now. It may not be my own shit I’m going through, (I mean, I am.....lots of deconstructing stuff from within going on currently as well.......) but this doesn’t lessen all I’m feeling. I feel it like it’s my own. As I sit in those energies I find myself wanting to detach from feeling “the feels” (hello, Aquarius vibes over here) to get a big observer viewpoint to find those “answers” so I can comfort those who hurt and take away their pain. To try and give them some big cosmic revelation to lessen the gut punch of pain they are feeling. But then I float into the space of immersing myself in it all....feeling every ounce.....letting the tears flow and fall out until I have let it wash over me.
This is a process I feel like I’ve done my whole life. A sensitive, compassionate, and big hearted Soul who wants to take away another’s pain. So I float between the two so I can hold that space and somehow take away their pain........while trying to hold myself together until I’m alone and allow their pain to process through my tears. Maybe this is how I help others heal? I unknowingly take in their pain to only purge it out later? I don’t know. All I know is this is how I operate. I listen. I feel. I process. I cry. And maybe I float out from time to time this be the “observer” because the way I intake emotions can be so overwhelming to my system so I float outside myself as I process it so it lessens how intensely it affects me? Just a wild guess on my part. (Ha ha)
One thing I’ve been asking a lot is “Why?” Trying to gain clarity and seek answers. I did this the other day in my car as I was crying and just mad. So mad that so many people were hurting from losing loved ones lately. So I asked out-loud “WHY??? And don’t tell me what I know on a Soul level. I know we should celebrate another Souls return home and find comfort in that. I know this. But help me understand it as a human. This is my experience right now. Show me why....please”. I was pretty pissed as I asked the question aloud many, many times last week. Probably because I was holding space for the past several days for others who are really sad right now and staying busy with my own day to day functions....so those 10-min drives on my way to teach my fitness classes gave me silence and time to finally let my emotions out.
Did I get an answer? Yep. The one I wanted? Not exactly. I was told, “Akashic Records”. So, what have I been doing? Well, tuning into the records and receiving guidance and answers from my teachers and guides. It’s not the one I wanted.....because I wanted a booming answer in my face. BUT.....they put me back in touch with the space in me. (Spirit has a funny way of getting you to go within to feel it before we “see it”).
What has this taught me? That I am Human AF and I’m still Soulful AF. I am both. You ARE both too......and it’s perfectly okay. I have deep, intuitive insights and I also have deep human emotions too. This IS part of the experience. As crazy as it is sometimes....I honor the being I am. It’s been a “funky” week to say the least.
Do I have all the answers? Nope. Am I suppose to? I wish, but nope to that too. This is why I choose to come here.....to experience, to feel, to grow, and to intake all of life. Every aspect.
So, if you are going through some shit....I see you and I feel you (like for real....I prob do. Ha ha ). Sending you hugs and loads of virtual hugs.